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HeartSnark: A literally light-hearted account of my heart transplant, or Shakespearean strippers, bison meatloaf, and urinal harems! Kindle Edition

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 21 ratings

Finalist, 2020 Next Generation Indie Awards, Humor.

Finalist, 2021 Reader's Choice Book Awards, Memoir.

The most hilarious heart transplant memoir you'll read this year! (probably ever)

In late March 2019, high school English teacher Terry Kroenung rode a quick 10 miles on his bike. 10 days later he had an emergency heart transplant. Really. Imagine his surprise.

Based on the irreverent Facebook diary he kept during the ordeal, this memoir recounts his experiences with near-fatal pacemaker implantations, defibrillation scorch marks, 7-hour cardiac ablations, surgical staples, and the up-and-down recovery process. Along the way are 6 pregnant nurses, Canadian axe throwers, alien face-huggers, shopping bags full of exorbitantly-priced drugs, and the most horrifying photo of a dead heart that even the doctors had ever seen.

If he hadn’t gone to the Emergency Room purely to avoid a faculty meeting, somebody else would have written this book. There he was told that despite the 100-mile bike rides and 10K races, he had heart failure. Again, imagine his surprise (and epic denial).

What followed was a confusing frenzy of tests: treadmill stress, VO2 stress, enough blood samples to fill a tanker truck, and 3 radiation tests to finally get a reading, which, naturally, turned out to be wrong. But at least after that last one, he didn’t need a nightlight anymore.

To keep himself -- and his shell-shocked wife, family, and friends -- from dwelling on the
life-or-death enormity of it all, he used Facebook to keep a running diary of everything that happened, no matter how trivial or absurd. His snarky, pun-strewn and geeky commentary on events, as well as more dubiously-termed ‘wit’ that he added after the fact (essentially playing Mystery Science Theatre with himself), make up the book that you’re somehow still reading about.

A portion of the proceeds of this book will go to benefit Donor Alliance and their life-saving work increasing the supply of transplant organs.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Author

Here you go, folks. All the hilarity a near-death experience can provide. If you like dopy chest zippers, peeing while 3 people take notes, doctors with cartoon T-rexes on their scrubs, and every Aztec chest-ripping joke known to man, then this is the book for you. The only funny heart transplant book I know of.   Trying to be funny, anyhow. Your mileage may vary.    So...   I'm 61 as I type this. My heart is 19.    Yeah, that happened. The thing still gets carded in bars.    I'm a former U.S. Army infantry officer/fitness instructor, marathon/10K runner, and hard-core road cyclist. I spent my life eating the healthy stuff, exercising like a fiend, and avoiding all of the stuff you're supposed ton avoid (well, mostly). I had no cardiac artery blockage or high blood pressure. You know, one of those uber-annoying people.    Didn't matter. I had to get a new heart anyway. You should see the photo of the thing after they removed it. A zombie would turn its nose up at it.    One minute I was sitting on my couch, perfectly relaxed, and then 8 days later I had a flipping heart transplant. Imagine my surprise. In between, I got shocked by those ER paddles you see on hospital shows (they really do yell "Clear!" before they zap you), got manscaped by the surgical team doing my cardiac ablation, had to prove I was potty-trained to hordes of nurses, had to prove I had the insurance coverage to be worth keeping alive, and had to listen to doctors talk about heart transplantation like it was fixing a sprained ankle.    Oh, well. At least I have an anatomically-correct stress ball heart on my desk now, not to mention a t-shirt that says "Transplant scars are sexy. Wanna see?"   To keep from going absolutely bonkers (well, more than usual anyway), I kept a Facebook journal of everything that happened and ridiculed it. It wasn't hard. American medicine is patently absurd (and the pharmaceutical patents even more so). My 5,000 FB friends helped with their more-or-less witty comments. That's the basis of this book, along with more literally-deathless humor that I added after the fact. I even made a tongue-in-cheek glossary of 100 of the medical terms used.    Is the book inspirational, uplifting, hopeful? Hell, no, unless 'smartassness' do that for you. I'm not temperamentally equippd for that sort of thing. Besides, there are truckloads of those sorts of transplant books already. I'm filling a niche here. And it doesn't have any more plot than what real life provided, either. There's no 'story arc' or 'character journey.' Just a lot of geek jokes and dick jokes.    I regret nothing.   Except not being able to thank my donor family in person yet. 

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B07XNG6KDS
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ (September 12, 2019)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ September 12, 2019
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 15581 KB
  • Simultaneous device usage ‏ : ‎ Unlimited
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 399 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 21 ratings

About the author

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Terry Kroenung
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After having been an Army infantry officer leaping out of perfectly-functioning aircraft, a teacher of Crips & Bloods on a wagon train, and Chuck E. Cheese, adding 'author' to the list is almost anti-climactic. Yet here we are.

A native of dead-flat Illinois and now a permanent fixture in the Rocky Mountains (there's some culture-shock for you), I write mostly fantasy and sci-fi, despite making my high school English students scribble non-fiction essays until their brains bleed. Do as I say, not as I do.

Sitting alone in my library writing is about as splendid an activity as someone with Asperger Syndrome could wish. My beloved and long-suffering wife gets stuck in the living room with the basset hound more often than she'd wish, but at least the TV talks to her more than I do.

BRIMSTONE AND LILY, JASPER'S FOUL TONGUE, and JASPER'S MAGICK CORSET are the first 3 books in my Legacy Stone series. They are snarky seriocomic YA takes on traditional quest-lit. The idea started as 'swords-and-sorcery Huck Finn' and took off from there. They include a mind-bogglingly bizarre collection of things: shape-shifting swords, Civil War battles, magic cannonballs, combat pelicans, Captain Nemo's sub, kindly Arab terrorists, swimming trees, cyclopean ogres, zombies, lady ninjas, and poop monsters. BRIMSTONE AND LILY won the Bronze Medal in Sci-Fi/Fantasy at the 2010 Independent Publishers Book Awards.

I began as a playwright (have to make use of that theatre degree somehow), so I also have several books of plays out there. They've been produced in the U.S. and Europe. Nearly all of them are history-based: American Civil War, 17th century France, and 19th century American west. I cleverly managed to put a fight scene into every one of them.

My present addiction is Steampunk, both as author and performer. I teach Bartitsu (Sherlock Holmes' martial art, an actual Victorian discipline) at conventions. PARAGON OF THE ECCENTRIC, my prequel to Wells' WAR OF THE WORLDS, won the 2013 Colorado Gold writing contest and is finally available on Amazon.

I do write stories. In fact, "The Day the Earth Couldn't Stand Still," about Broadway musical-loving nanobots in the President's brain, won the Colorado Short Story Contest.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
21 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on January 11, 2024
This book is not for everyone. But for me, and the wonderful woman who stood by me as I underwent an unexpected triple bypass, it hit the mark. Now, I realize my experience was far easier than the author’s. I still have my own heart after all. But the shared experiences along the way admit me to a fellowship and a similar adventure in second chances in life. And that’s what this book is about, persevering in the most dire of circumstances and never losing heart (ouch). Can’t imagine keeping my sense of humor and the degree of clarity this man enjoys. This is a great survivor’s story, gruesome in parts, inspiring in others, and often funny. Enjoy.
Reviewed in the United States on November 6, 2019
I was one of Terry's Facebook friends who followed this saga from the beginning, watching his riveting drama unfold day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Every minute of it was quite literally a life-or-death situation, even though his characteristic wit and biting observations were always present too. None of the immediacy of that experience has been lost in the book, but the reader has the privilege and pleasure of knowing from the outset that Terry did survive to write his story, so it won't be quite the nail-biter it was for his friends, and you can perhaps enjoy the snark and the cleverness even more than we did at the time. Know people who work in the medical field? They might well love this book. They (or at least their counterparts on his medical team) have a starring role.
Reviewed in the United States on October 10, 2019
HeartSnark is unlike any other book you will read. First, there's the format -- A book composed primarily of Facebook posts (with commentary) may seem at first a little voyeuristic or disjointed. But stick with it and the immediacy of the format -- the story unfolding on the page in, essentially, real time -- adds to the drama and tension. The contrast of this life or death situation and the steady stream of sarcastic humor really pulled me in. There's a stunning bravery to laughing in the face of death. The book is laugh out loud funny in places, biting social commentary in others, a touching testament to love and friendship and yeah, I have to say it, downright inspiring at times. There may be 10,000 heart transplants performed in the US every year, but it's still a miracle every time. This first-hand account is one you won't forget.
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Reviewed in the United States on October 7, 2019
The book is as advertised, a light-hearted memoir of the author's heart transplant, told through Facebook posts and related comments. Most such stories are full of drama, serious dealings with near-death experiences, lofty reflections on the process of organ donors. This work... well... those are in there, but the "snark" in the title is delivered by the author and his band of Facebook followers, lending light and dark humor to a very serious subject.

If you're facing a transplant event, or know someone who is, this may help break up the gloom and doom contemplation. If you're just curious about life as a transplant patient -- this is actually a good insight.

But, if you're so far gone that "snark" is not your thing, then ... I'm sorry. You may be already dead.
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Reviewed in the United States on September 23, 2022
Loved it all! Written in conversation from Social Media! I'm the Sharon mentioned in conversation. I know the author!
Reviewed in the United States on October 7, 2019
Downloaded Terry's book when it was free as I'm a cheapskate. I enjoyed it so much I regret not having to pay for it. Will make a contribution to nominated charity. Don't be put off over the theme of the book, it's a great read and achingly funny. Terry has a dry sense of humour and his many FB friends chip in with loads of gags and a certain amount of black humour. Don't wait until you need a transplant, buy this book now. Your heart will thank you.
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Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2020
Like Terry I grew up in Illinois. We were in the same theater department in college. Him as an actor and me as a fan. I really liked this book. I was one of the friends that watched it happen in real time. It’s so much funnier in book form, because we know now that he turned out okay. It was quite a bit scary at the time.
Reviewed in the United States on October 14, 2019
A wonderful journey of a heart transplant with wit, humor and a whole lot of medical jargon... But don't worry the author included a Glossary...
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